Trump Ends War On Drugs - iPhones Are The New “Contraband” In The US

“What model you after? iPhone X? 12? 16? Or... Wanna be a Mule? iPhone up your ass for 2k?”

In a strange turn of events, the US-China tariff war has turned the drug trade upside down, with iPhones becoming the latest smuggled contraband. Forget cocaine - criminals are now risking it all to smuggle Apple’s latest models, which have become more valuable than a bag of white powder.

Experts predict that iPhones could soon reach a price tag of up to $3,500, making them a far more profitable commodity than anything the drug dealers used to peddle.

The US has slammed a 145% tariff on many Chinese imports, including smartphones. Apple, which assembles around 90% of its iPhones in China, is feeling the heat. With these tariffs, the cost of making and shipping iPhones to the US will rise dramatically. Analysts say the price of the iPhone 16 Pro Max could soar from $1,199 to $2,150, but the situation could get even worse.

At that rate, the only thing getting smuggled into America will be phones - by any means necessary.

The iPhone 4, which was priced at $599 when it launched in 2010, would cost about $800 today with inflation. But add the new tariffs, and that same phone would now be priced at a staggering $2,000. So, it’s no surprise that criminals have jumped on the iPhone bandwagon. Why risk your life over coke when you can stuff a shiny new iPhone in a condom, swallow it, and walk away with a small fortune?

The phones start ringing inside people’s bellies, and suddenly, it’s not just a drug bust anymore - it’s a crime scene from a bizarre iPhone smuggling ring. "Is that an iPhone 15 in your stomach, or are you just happy to see me?"

Forget street dealers trying to sell you a hit. The new underground economy is all about the black market iPhone trade. The US government is already having a tough time handling it. Trump, in his boldest move yet, is now deporting people for iPhone smuggling - even if they’re US citizens.

“You’re outta here!” Trump reportedly said, pointing to a smuggler who was caught with an iPhone 16 stuffed where the sun don’t shine. "We’re building a wall... and it’s going up around your ass."

But the solution doesn’t end there. Apple’s efforts to move production out of China are in full swing, with India and Vietnam being eyed as alternatives. But shifting production on a global scale isn’t an overnight fix. It’ll take years for these countries to ramp up production to the level China offers, leaving Apple with limited options.

And even if Apple does manage to shift production to the US, the price could reach $3,500 per phone - an amount that would make even the most dedicated smuggler think twice.

At the end of the day, the real losers are US consumers, who may be forced to fork out obscene amounts of cash for their phones.

But it doesn’t stop there. The iPhone smuggling operation is growing, with criminals using increasingly inventive methods to get their hands on the goods. As tariffs keep climbing, don’t be surprised if your dealer starts asking, “What model are you looking for? iPhone X? iPhone 12? Or... Wanna be a Mule? iPhone up your ass for 2k?”

Welcome to the new, high-stakes world of iPhone contraband, where the war on drugs is officially over and the iPhone has taken centre stage as the crack cocaine of America.

Partial Satire