Oh, Dr Streeting! Wes Completes Psychiatric Training in Just One Week, Declares Mental Health Crisis Solved

Trust me, I'm a pretend doctor"

In an unprecedented display of efficiency, Health Secretary Wes Streeting has successfully condensed the rigorous, decade-long training required to become a clinical psychiatrist into a single week. Armed with his newfound expertise, Streeting has confidently diagnosed the UK with an “overdiagnosis epidemic” and announced a radical new treatment plan: less support, more scrutiny, and a firm encouragement to “just get on with it.”

The fast-track psychiatry course, which Streeting reportedly completed between government meetings and media appearances, covered all essential areas of mental health. Monday saw him master neurobiology, while Tuesday was spent tackling diagnostic criteria for complex conditions such as bipolar disorder, autism, and schizophrenia.

By Wednesday, he had cracked psychotherapy, and Thursday was dedicated to conducting mock patient assessments - where he determined that at least half of them were “probably fine” and should simply “try working harder.”

On Friday, he proudly graduated with a self-awarded diploma in “Common Sense Psychiatry” and immediately took to national television to share his insights.

“It turns out mental illness is just a spectrum,” he declared, displaying the kind of groundbreaking revelation that normally takes years of research to uncover. “I definitely agree with the experts who say there’s an overdiagnosis problem. Too many people are being written off when what they really need is a firm push back into the workforce.”

Streeting’s critics have suggested that perhaps psychiatric expertise should be left to, well, psychiatrists. But undeterred, the newly self-certified mental health expert has assured the public that his government is taking action.

Plans are already in place to roll out revolutionary new welfare reforms, which will reportedly involve replacing benefits with motivational posters and encouraging struggling individuals to “retrain in cybersecurity.”

Some have raised concerns about Streeting’s comments, pointing out that they may stigmatise those with legitimate mental health conditions. Others, such as Mind and Rethink Mental Illness, have expressed worries that dismissing rising diagnoses as “overdiagnosis” could discourage people from seeking help.

However, Streeting remains confident that his fast-track psychiatric expertise places him firmly in the right.

“This country needs fewer handouts and more can-do attitudes,” he concluded. “And if that doesn’t work, well, we can always cut funding to mental health services further and see if people just stop being ill.”

Meanwhile, real psychiatrists - who foolishly wasted over a decade training in medicine, psychology, and clinical practice - are reportedly considering whether to condense their studies into a week themselves. “If Streeting can diagnose the nation without a medical degree, we figure we might as well start running the Treasury by next Friday,” said one frustrated mental health professional.

When asked if he planned to extend his expertise into other fields, Streeting hinted that a one-day crash course in astrophysics could be next. “I hear NASA’s been overdiagnosing planets,” he said. “Time to bring some common sense to space.”