Lee Harpin Cries, Spits Dummy And Storms Out As Corbyn Holds Islington North

In a dramatic twist at the Islington North election count, Lee Harpin, prominent Corbyn critic and p̷h̷o̷n̷e̷ ̷h̷a̷c̷k̷i̷n̷g̷ ̷g̷u̷r̷u̷ 'journalist', reportedly burst into tears and stormed out of the town hall, leaving onlookers stunned and bemused.

Jeremy Corbyn, the long-standing MP for Islington North, clinched victory as an independent candidate, dealing a blow to Labour's hopes in the area. Harpin, known for his vocal opposition to Corbyn's influence within the party, had been visibly agitated throughout the evening, anxiously checking his phone and muttering to colleagues.

Witnesses described the scene as Corbyn's victory was announced. Harpin, known for his hysterical anti-Corbyn stance, reportedly cried "This can't be happening!" before storming out of the room, visibly distraught and stamping his feet like a disgruntled toddler.

"It was like watching a soap opera," remarked one attendee, who requested anonymity. "Harpin looked like he was going to explode. He's always been so vocal against Corbyn, so this defeat really hit him hard."

In a brief statement to reporters outside, Harpin could barely contain his disappointment. "This is a disaster," he lamented, wiping away tears. "I can't believe the voters have done this. It's a slap in the face to everything we've been trying to achieve. The Israel lobby are going to want their money back and I'm f'kin skint"

Meanwhile, Corbyn's supporters celebrated jubilantly, chanting his name and waving banners outside the town hall. "Ohhhhhh Jeremy Corbynnn!" shouted ecstatic supporters. "This proves the people still believe in socialism!"

As the dust settles on this expected turn of events, Labour insiders are left pondering the implications for Keir Starmer's leadership and the party's future direction. With Corbyn's resounding victory as an independent, the rifts within Labour appear deeper than ever, leaving many wondering if unity can ever be restored.

For Harpin, however, the sting of defeat seemed personal. "I just can't believe it, all that antisemitism I had to manufacture and he still won!" he muttered bitterly before disappearing into the night, leaving behind a trail of unanswered questions and shattered hopes.

As dawn breaks over Islington, one thing remains clear: in the battle for political supremacy, emotions run high, and Lee Harpin's dramatic exit will be remembered as a testament to the power of people-powered politics and passion in the cutthroat world of British politics.

(And, of course, to the power of whatever Harpin had in that little flask he was swigging from, which had markedly diminished his grasp of language and grammar before his tantrum and shambling exit...)

UPDATE: If anyone at Islington Town Hall has found a blue baby pacifier, Lee would like it back - he's going to need it.